And to complete their mockery of my cool and calculated persona, the false gods united my assassin and I on the mall (before I could even do my Facebook research): a duel to the death.

He says, “There ain’t room enough in this Swanson for the both of us.” I says, “You no good derty varmint, hitch hike yer way oughta town”. A tumbleweed rolled away between us.

Sheriff Schlegle, knowing my reputation as a sure bet for victory, turned to a squirrel and suggested that they “better start carvin’ Josh’s name in a stone”.

The rest is history.

Good round Josh. Thanks for going with class.

Those false gods must find it fun to laugh at my calculated plans. Instead they find it fun to run me into my target at the Deis this morning, whom I simply tracked through Swanson and out into the glorious sunshine. I would pay decent money for the security video of this one: “are you Nicolas Villanueva?”...”OH MY GOD!”. A quick step later and Nicolas was no more.

He made a valiant effort and managed to cruise indoors during every other one of our meetings on the mall.

Yet again, on an unpredicted, unplanned excursion the false gods looked down upon me…and smiled. I was on my way down to late night and I happened upon our stellar goal keeper. Casually asking him about the upcoming game, I approached him sticker in hand. Realizing his fate, he tried to run, thereby exhibiting why he’s the goalie and doesn’t have to run much. I caught him.

Good luck this season Matt.

No, we at a Jesuit University don’t believe in or worship Greek gods and goddesses, but what a better tribute to the greatest warrior of Swanson Hall to be named: Ares Bellona. Not only acquiring the name of the god of war, but also the goddess of war in a compound, dual- action, one- two punch, that just took out Kelly Orbik.

After checking the RA rounds, stalking her during her supposed round times, waiting around the CCSJ, knowing time and place of our RA meeting, and patiently awaiting her crossing of Swagleman Plaza…I still was without a kill. It took an extremely unlikely encounter of incredible timing for me to finally strike Kelly’s name from the list.

My favorite part was when she, realizing her defeat in the ten yards between Swanson and the KFC, asked me “you don’t have a sticker…do you?”. Although no one else was out at that odd hour, I had my sticker in hand with a feeling that God might just love me a little extra after a grueling test.