“Drunken Killing” I went to Steve’s B- Day party Saturday night with little intention of killing. However, I did bring a spoon along for self- defense just in case. Upon arriving at the party, I handed my spoon off to my friend not in the assassins’ game. When I entered, I got the pat- down and was found to be totally clean, while in reality, my spoon was in the pocket of the kid standing next to me! After a lot of jungle juice, beer, and a game of beer pong, my friend wanted to head outside to try and bum a smoke off someone. Outside, I notice Paul and talked to him briefly. He was going down to let in some friends, and I saw this as my golden opportunity. I asked my friend for my spoon, and as Paul came back up, he recieved a spoon in the gut. I was reminded of The Godfather when Michael takes the gun planted in the bathroom then comes out and kills the cheif of police and the mob boss, except my spoon was the gun and my friend was the toilet. Anywho, it was rather bastardly of me to kill him, and I apologized several times throughout the night. I left my coat in Justin’s room btw.

“Kill Bill, Chapter 5: The Assassination of O’Rourke” I headed over to Garner 291, assuming that my prey was taking an after dinner nap. I thought I could gain access to his room by asking if I could come in while he filled out a survery I had photocopied from class. My ploy was all for naught, however, because his door was locked and no answer upon knocking. His friend from across the hall had his door open and told me that Bill had went to a meeting in the main lounge. I went down and saw the group meeting. I approached Bill from behind, and said, “Bill, right?” He did not reply, but just looked confused. I asked again, “you’re Bill right?” and fearing that he knew it was an assassination attempt, I preferred to kill first and ask questions later. I quickly grabbed for my spoon and stabbed his upper torso. The group laughed at him as he sat there, shocked, blood running down his shirt. I took off into the night, as I did not wish to disturb their meeting any further.

“Pre- test of doom” Using all of my resources, I determined that Mike had an exam at either 100 Gregory Hall or 314 Altgeld at 8:15. On a hunch and a desire to see the SS ROOM (previously the ASS ROOM), I staked out Altgeld and watched students file into the exam room. Luckily my hunch was right because after waiting only a few minutes, I saw Mike emerge from the stairwell. Seeing him through the glass in the room overlooking the library, I causually strolled to the corner from which Mike was about to turn. Coming around the corner, only a few steps from safety, he felt a swift spoon to the gut. As I left the scene, I wished him luck on his exam and was answered by an angry thank you.