I shanked Smagma! another fire extinguished

Unlike some people I had restraint at Stephen’s bday party last weekend. THEN, an opportunity arose. As I walked out of class I had a good feeling. Coming down the hall I see my target. We exchanged greetings and as soon as he passes I turn around to follow. As Alex is about to step in his classroom I tap him on the shoulder. He turns around with the look of fear in his eyes. He is speechless as I pull my knife/spoon out of his spleen. The blood spurted everywhere, Niki can attest to this she witnessed the whole event. This battle has strengthened the soul of… Fire Extinguisher

When invited to a poker game in my target’s apartment, I found it impossible to decline. I knew I would lose my $5, but it was worth it. I went to his apartment with friends, spoons carefully concealed in the majority of my pockets. After all, I had let it slip that he was my target, and didn’t know if he would be ready for me. We get to his apartment and casually ask if we can come in; his roommate understands but doesn’t care. Turns out he wasn’t even there – he was busy being a good student and doing homework. Pathetic. So we settle into our game, and I start getting lucky. Very lucky. At some point he comes home and watches the game. At the peak of my luck, the highest moment of the night, I ask to use the restroom, knowing it’s down the hall past him. I go to the bathroom, calming my nerves, and on the return trip to the table, slip a spoon gently into his back. Flawless. I did lose that $5 though.

“Drunken Killing” I went to Steve’s B- Day party Saturday night with little intention of killing. However, I did bring a spoon along for self- defense just in case. Upon arriving at the party, I handed my spoon off to my friend not in the assassins’ game. When I entered, I got the pat- down and was found to be totally clean, while in reality, my spoon was in the pocket of the kid standing next to me! After a lot of jungle juice, beer, and a game of beer pong, my friend wanted to head outside to try and bum a smoke off someone. Outside, I notice Paul and talked to him briefly. He was going down to let in some friends, and I saw this as my golden opportunity. I asked my friend for my spoon, and as Paul came back up, he recieved a spoon in the gut. I was reminded of The Godfather when Michael takes the gun planted in the bathroom then comes out and kills the cheif of police and the mob boss, except my spoon was the gun and my friend was the toilet. Anywho, it was rather bastardly of me to kill him, and I apologized several times throughout the night. I left my coat in Justin’s room btw.

An assassin must have patience, and I showed amazing restraint with my target. I have had her for over a week, but chose not to kill her. I decided to play mind games with her, and have a good time doing it. I would look her in the eye saying “I’ll fucking kill you” or “You’re my target” etc. It was so much fun. Yesterday, Alex, her, and I took a roadtrip to chicago to go to a jimmy eat world show. A 4.5 hour car ride (traffic) to the show, and then we get to the show. Jimmy Eat World takes the stage. They play music. They start into the song Work, and thats when I do it. I take out my spoon and STAB HER IN THE MOTHERFUCKING BACK! She doesn’t notice at first, so I leave it in. She turns around, looks at me increduously, and mouths “No way. No fucking way.” I mouth back “Oh yes.” that went back and forth for a while, and she finally died and told me her target. It was a beautiful thing. Now that this is accomplished, I can die a happy man. Happy Hunting everybody! (PS- I’m pretty sure she’s going to say mean things about me, don’t believe them.)

“Kill Bill, Chapter 5: The Assassination of O’Rourke” I headed over to Garner 291, assuming that my prey was taking an after dinner nap. I thought I could gain access to his room by asking if I could come in while he filled out a survery I had photocopied from class. My ploy was all for naught, however, because his door was locked and no answer upon knocking. His friend from across the hall had his door open and told me that Bill had went to a meeting in the main lounge. I went down and saw the group meeting. I approached Bill from behind, and said, “Bill, right?” He did not reply, but just looked confused. I asked again, “you’re Bill right?” and fearing that he knew it was an assassination attempt, I preferred to kill first and ask questions later. I quickly grabbed for my spoon and stabbed his upper torso. The group laughed at him as he sat there, shocked, blood running down his shirt. I took off into the night, as I did not wish to disturb their meeting any further.

Taco Bell… I always knew it was only a matter of time before it got someone killed

“Pre- test of doom” Using all of my resources, I determined that Mike had an exam at either 100 Gregory Hall or 314 Altgeld at 8:15. On a hunch and a desire to see the SS ROOM (previously the ASS ROOM), I staked out Altgeld and watched students file into the exam room. Luckily my hunch was right because after waiting only a few minutes, I saw Mike emerge from the stairwell. Seeing him through the glass in the room overlooking the library, I causually strolled to the corner from which Mike was about to turn. Coming around the corner, only a few steps from safety, he felt a swift spoon to the gut. As I left the scene, I wished him luck on his exam and was answered by an angry thank you.

“Death is a dish best served with noodles.”- – Old Klingon Proverb. I decided to go to dinner at oodles of noodles on a whim after a test review. I look to my right, and who do i see to my right? Nick, Nathan, and their friend Wendy. A rush of adrenaline, heart starts pumping. I reach for my spoon, I get up. I walk towards them with such a purpose. They don’t see me, this is it, don’t screw it up. I let out a fierce battle cry and shove my spoon into nick with all of my might. He falls to the ground, convulsing with waves of pain and cold. He looks me in the eyes, smiling, and winks at me. He died with a smile on his face, that creepy bastard. I’ll never forget that look. But now, the fun is really beginning.

I snuck up on an unsuspecting Jenni and greeted her with a smile before whipping out my spoon and making a big bloody mess just before the U of I v. a Mummy premiere. Then I had the nerve to leave.