This kill was performed an hour after Greg was killed. I entered the dining hall, knowing that Ian would be coming to gain sustenance from the sub- par cafeteria food. I waited and, soon, Ian entered the dining hall. I knew sneaking up would be unfair, so I halted him and challenged him to a duel. “Right here? In the dining hall?” he asked, “I like your style”. So he reached behind him and pulled out his double- scooped spoon, ready to “get it on”. I pulled out my Broad- spoon and edged forward. We circled each other while the dining hall grew deathly quiet. All eyes were on us. He attacked first, his double- scooped spoon whistling in the air. I barely dodged in time, and in the same movement, swung my Broad- spoon upward. He countered easily, but this time, he brought his foot upand kicked me to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me and I rolled away right as he brought his spoon downat the spot where I previously lay. He cackled. “Having trouble, Ninja Master?” he asked sarcastically. “No, Ian, I am only getting started.” I dropped my spoon on the ground. “I see you are not only slow, but stupid as well,” Ian said as he moved forward towards me. I reached behind me and pulled out the Axe of Destruction. “Huh? Think you can stop me with that rediculous instrument?” he said. I smiled. Then I wailed. I wailed harder then I did after I killed Greg. I wailed so hard, all the fried chicken in the dining hall stood up and danced. I wailed so hard, all the salt shakers started porking the baked potatoes. I wailed so hard, all the chicks in the room started dancing and taking their clothes off. I wailed so hard, Ian’s double- scooped spoon disintegrated into thin air. “NOOOOOOO!!!” Ian yelled. I stopped wailing, picked up my spoon, and ran Ian through before he knew what happened. “Oh…cough cough*...shit,” he said as he fell to his knees. Blood began to drip onto the carpet of the dining hall. “Tell me your target,” I said. He uttered the name. “Ian,” I said, “this is the end…” I yanked my spoon out of his chest and blood exploded from his chest, splattering the dining hall walls and all the guys in the dining hall. But it missed all the dancing naked chicks. I wiped my spoon off on the ground, grabbed my guitar, and turned to leave. “Oh, Ninja Master, don’t leave us here!” all the chicks said in perfect unison. All the guys in the hall looked all pissed off, so I took out my guitar and wailed some more and all of their heads exploded. “Come on ladies,” I said, “how ‘bout some Twister up in my room?” They all agreed and followed me out of the dining hall. That’s how I roll.

It took forever to track this boy down. No facebook, no pictures. All I had was the bare bones of the uiuc.edu “Find People” site. While struggling to actually locate this guy, I thought to look him up on Yahoo. The first site to come up was from Deerfield High School; apparently this kid had won first place in Computer Science at a regional competition. I found pictures of the team and had to systematically eliminate people in the picture that couldn’t be Greg. I was down to three different people. When I checked the site yesterday, the pictures had changed, but Greg was still in the photos (soomewhere). Luckily, the competitors had worn nametags, so i knew who I was after.

Today, a friend of mine tipped me off about a class that all Freshmen Computer Science majors have to take. Her and I travelled over to the building where it was, and waited for the class to be over. My friend and I feigned studying while the students left the room. She spotted him first and, when outside, she approached and asked, “are you Greg?” Greg stopped in his tracks, and while my friend reached for the non- existant spoon, I approached from behind, my deadly Broad- spoon in hand. Greg back- pedalled in fear, and as soon as his spoon was out, my spoon connected with his chest…

Blood exploded from his torn jacket, spattering the onlookers. Women and children screamed in horror. A crowd gathered around my victim and I, horrified at the gruesome sight. “You’re dead,” I said. Greg was on the ground, his eyes beginning to cloud over and the puddle of blood spreading beneath him. “Who…are you?” he asked. “Tell me your target” He told me. “I am the Ninja Master.” “No wonder I have lost. Ninjas are so… totally…rad ack......” And with those words he died. The crowd dispersed, and only me and my friend were left. “What shall we do now?” she asked. “There’s only one thing to do,” I said as I reached behind me. I pulled out my Guitar, my Axe of Destruction, and wailed. I wailed harder then the hardest wailing possible. I wailed so hard, a tornado appeared and carried my friend and I into the sunset, and taking with us all things that make a Ninja badass.