I killed Shaun.

This was my first kill. I had no idea how to find Robert Allen. His facebook was pretty much blank but with a picture and his list of classes. His picture turned out to be fake and very misleading. I did find out that for one of his listed classes he had a discussion that only met once a week. I staked it out, but I was looking for the wrong guy- I was looking for the man in the picture. I searched his information through the University and all it had listed was his permanent home address and home phone number. No on- campus address or phone. I called his home and spoke to someone (father, maybe?) and pretended to be from the uinversity and I needed to update his info. He quickly realized that this was very unprofessional and refused to give it to me but decided to write down my phone number and have Robert call me himself. He did while I was in class and, unfortunately, heard my voicemail thing which revealed my real first name, not the one I had posed as the day before. I called him back later and after much hesitation he gave me his on campus address. Today, I drove to his apartment and called him saying “Hey, it’s Steve. Come outside.” I then went into his apartment and waited. He slowly came down the stairs, hiding something behind his back. He was onto me. We both drew at the same time but my cafeteria spoon hit his chest first, quickly followed by his long, wooden spoon hitting mine. He slowly realized what had happened and fell to the ground coughing up blood. Oh, and Ninja Master- stop ripping off realultimatepower.net Be original.

Target shot twice in the chest.

This kill was performed an hour after Greg was killed. I entered the dining hall, knowing that Ian would be coming to gain sustenance from the sub- par cafeteria food. I waited and, soon, Ian entered the dining hall. I knew sneaking up would be unfair, so I halted him and challenged him to a duel. “Right here? In the dining hall?” he asked, “I like your style”. So he reached behind him and pulled out his double- scooped spoon, ready to “get it on”. I pulled out my Broad- spoon and edged forward. We circled each other while the dining hall grew deathly quiet. All eyes were on us. He attacked first, his double- scooped spoon whistling in the air. I barely dodged in time, and in the same movement, swung my Broad- spoon upward. He countered easily, but this time, he brought his foot upand kicked me to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me and I rolled away right as he brought his spoon downat the spot where I previously lay. He cackled. “Having trouble, Ninja Master?” he asked sarcastically. “No, Ian, I am only getting started.” I dropped my spoon on the ground. “I see you are not only slow, but stupid as well,” Ian said as he moved forward towards me. I reached behind me and pulled out the Axe of Destruction. “Huh? Think you can stop me with that rediculous instrument?” he said. I smiled. Then I wailed. I wailed harder then I did after I killed Greg. I wailed so hard, all the fried chicken in the dining hall stood up and danced. I wailed so hard, all the salt shakers started porking the baked potatoes. I wailed so hard, all the chicks in the room started dancing and taking their clothes off. I wailed so hard, Ian’s double- scooped spoon disintegrated into thin air. “NOOOOOOO!!!” Ian yelled. I stopped wailing, picked up my spoon, and ran Ian through before he knew what happened. “Oh…cough cough*...shit,” he said as he fell to his knees. Blood began to drip onto the carpet of the dining hall. “Tell me your target,” I said. He uttered the name. “Ian,” I said, “this is the end…” I yanked my spoon out of his chest and blood exploded from his chest, splattering the dining hall walls and all the guys in the dining hall. But it missed all the dancing naked chicks. I wiped my spoon off on the ground, grabbed my guitar, and turned to leave. “Oh, Ninja Master, don’t leave us here!” all the chicks said in perfect unison. All the guys in the hall looked all pissed off, so I took out my guitar and wailed some more and all of their heads exploded. “Come on ladies,” I said, “how ‘bout some Twister up in my room?” They all agreed and followed me out of the dining hall. That’s how I roll.

It took forever to track this boy down. No facebook, no pictures. All I had was the bare bones of the uiuc.edu “Find People” site. While struggling to actually locate this guy, I thought to look him up on Yahoo. The first site to come up was from Deerfield High School; apparently this kid had won first place in Computer Science at a regional competition. I found pictures of the team and had to systematically eliminate people in the picture that couldn’t be Greg. I was down to three different people. When I checked the site yesterday, the pictures had changed, but Greg was still in the photos (soomewhere). Luckily, the competitors had worn nametags, so i knew who I was after.

Today, a friend of mine tipped me off about a class that all Freshmen Computer Science majors have to take. Her and I travelled over to the building where it was, and waited for the class to be over. My friend and I feigned studying while the students left the room. She spotted him first and, when outside, she approached and asked, “are you Greg?” Greg stopped in his tracks, and while my friend reached for the non- existant spoon, I approached from behind, my deadly Broad- spoon in hand. Greg back- pedalled in fear, and as soon as his spoon was out, my spoon connected with his chest…

Blood exploded from his torn jacket, spattering the onlookers. Women and children screamed in horror. A crowd gathered around my victim and I, horrified at the gruesome sight. “You’re dead,” I said. Greg was on the ground, his eyes beginning to cloud over and the puddle of blood spreading beneath him. “Who…are you?” he asked. “Tell me your target” He told me. “I am the Ninja Master.” “No wonder I have lost. Ninjas are so… totally…rad ack......” And with those words he died. The crowd dispersed, and only me and my friend were left. “What shall we do now?” she asked. “There’s only one thing to do,” I said as I reached behind me. I pulled out my Guitar, my Axe of Destruction, and wailed. I wailed harder then the hardest wailing possible. I wailed so hard, a tornado appeared and carried my friend and I into the sunset, and taking with us all things that make a Ninja badass.

This was a very difficult kill for me. First I was able to find him on facebook and see his friends. I spoke to some of his friends and found out some of his schedule. This morning I waited for him a class, but he entered gun in hand and all I had was a spoon. I decided to wait. After his class I went to his room to see if I could get any information; I got nothing, but as I was leaving I saw a water gun coming up the stair. I quickly hid, but when I struck I missed and he turned around and shot. He missed, I missed and now he was in his room and he knew what I looked liked. I was screwed. I got a gun later that day because I knew that that was the only way I could kill him. That evening I went to late night. He was there, and he saw me there. Unfortunately I had forgotten my gun in my room. I plotted with my friends on what I could do. I decided to hid and wait. When the time was right I would sneak up behind him and stab him with a spoon. I waited and waited for 50 minutes. I decided that he wasn’t going to leave soon, so I needed my gun. I contacted a friend to tell me when he was leaving, I ran back to my room and as I was leaving my phone rang. He was leaving I ran to get back. I wasn’t sure if I was there in time, but luckily for me he didn’t leave yet. I waited behind some door until he walked by and then squirted him in the back. My work was done.

I am here to serve as one thing and one thing only: an assassin. This being said, I do not want to boast about the brave, daring and freakishly brutal kill I made today on this 14th day of November and my wingman will instead tell the tale.

The day started out like any normal day; I went to classes and then ate lunch. After lunch, however, I found out that I would be accompanying Mr. “Yogurt” on his mission. We departed around 3:40pm. It was a gloomy time of day, and the rain was heard pitter- pattering down on our heads as we headed toward Krannert Art Museum. Mr. Kevin Hong was scheduled to leave around 3:50pm from his previous class, and we were there for the stake out. As the students began filing out of the building, we began our walk toward them. Yogurt was 5 paces ahead of me, and when he saw Hong he tapped his right leg, indicating that Hong was near. I quickly yelled “Hey Kevin!” (as Yogurt was already behind him) to verify that that was our target. Kevin looked up and replied with a curt “hi.” Now the assassin crept up behind and viscously struck at Hong’s back, as well as his chest to confirm the kill and the look on Hong’s face was one of pure devastation. His next words uttered were “oh dang! It’s over already?” “Yep,” Yogurt replied, “and that’s that.”

Defensived killed by a spoon to the chest.

Death by spoon to chest.